A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the
heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been
tentatively named "Governmentium".
Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons,
and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These
312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be
detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A
minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days
to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium
has a normal half-life of three years; it does not decay, but instead
undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and
deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each
reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate
that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical
Morass". You will know it when you see it.
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