Film at eleven

....Aid and support continue to pour in for the tsunami victims. Next
up, [short pause] Folks this just in. It appears that a California
woman from Oakland has physically abused mother nature. The woman has
been identified as Tami Rowell. A.K.A. Lumpy, Crash Girl, etc... It
appears that Mrs. Rowell was riding her off-road motorcycle at the
popular Hollister Hills OHV park located just outside of Hollister CA.
She was accompanied by her Husband Eric Elvin and friend Mike Baxter.
Now folks you may not believe this report, but it says here that Mrs.
Rowell tried to sneak a large imbeded rock from the park. Mr. Baxter
was reached for comment and this what he had to say. "She just
decided that she wanted the rock and just jumped off her bike and
tried to pick it up with her butt. Strangest thing I have ever seen."
Sierra Club supream being, Ima Beoch, says she filing a lawsuit on
behalf of the rocks. "We can't just have these earth bound rocks
assaulted like this. It is a crime and we will fight!" Now folks,
Mrs. Rowell did not get the rock, but she did leave with a different
souvenir. She now has one large and painful bruise on her but that
friends can give her a hard time about. And now for sports with
Jay C.

Film at eleven....

Mike Baxter

Very funny, Mr. Baxter...

While it is true that I have a very painful bruise (I do believe the
proper term is "hematoma")
on my butt, it's a bold-faced lie that I tried to steal the rock.

We were riding along on Troll Trail, minding our own business, when we
came to a little rock step-up type of thing. Not a step-up really, but
an obstacle nonetheless. This obstacle did me in last time I was there
on my CR, and the first time we ran into it yesterday I fell over right
at the top of it. I backed down and then cleared it on my second try,
hitting my head on a low-lying tree limb in the process. So, when we
came upon it the 2nd time (there are only so many trails at Hollister
that are challenging and kwad-free, and we rode them several times) it
never even occurred to me that I wouldn't make it. I had the Pampera,
and it was shod with the secret-weapon trials tire, and I cleared it no
problem on my previous attempt so I never even hesitated. Up I went,
and then over I went, falling backwards at the same time. I landed
square on my ass, right on a pointy embedded rock. Eric said it wasn't
pointy, but *he* wasn't trying to impale himself on it, I was. I missed
my tailbone by about 1/2 inch or so.

Eric and Baxter were waiting for me on the other side, sure that I
would make it. When I fell and started wailing and cussing, Eric
dropped his bike and came running. He and Baxter thought I'd impaled
myself on the stick poking up out of the ground. No such luck. I was
having a hard time believing my ass hurt so bad seeings as how nothing
was broken or anything. I sat there a few minutes and then we took off.
I was keeping my eyes peeled for the first bail-out, certain I would be
taking advantage of it. When we came to it several miles later, I
elected to continue riding. And, man, I'm glad I did! We did miles and
miles of some of the tightest twistiest stuff around. The dirt was
gorgeous, and we even passed a few riders on the trail, which wasn't
easy. I had to put my foot on some dude's Honda that was lying against
the hill in order to get by. It felt kinda good...

The conditions were excellent, considering all the rain we've been
getting. We'd planned on going to Stonyford or Clear Creek for a few
days, but those places were closed or just not worth the drive for the
conditions. It didn't start raining on us til later in the day. The
snotty mud pits got snottier, but the sandy stuff up top was sweet.
Lots of traction everywhere, even on my funky trials tire.

We had decided to call it a day when Baxter comes up with the great
idea to ride down to Walnut Camp and wash off some of the mud. The
bikes weren't too bad, but we figured what the heck. We take off, and
take the little connector trail down to Walnut Camp, which is one big
slimy mud-fest. It always is. We must have put more mud on the bikes in
that 1/4 mile stretch of trail than we had in all the previous miles
combined. It was fun. We get down to the wash racks and there are no
hoses. In fact, all the spigots were capped off. Damn...

We turn back for the long cold ride (it's raining pretty good by now)
back on the road. Baxter pulls off this gorgeous
long wheelie on the uphill road out of the camp. He's gonna teach me
how to do that soon. All I can think about at this point-besides the
huge pain in my butt, that is-is a nice cup of hot chocolate and a
lunch of piping hot quiche.

We got back to the van and I fired up the heater, water heater, and the
stove for hot chocolate. I dressed in warmth and privacy and even got
to wash the mud out of my hair. Have I mentioned lately that I'm really
enjoying our new van? I took a look at the hard lumpy bruise forming on
my butt and just had to show it off. It's perfectly round (well, it was
at the time. Now it's sorta taking on a free-form shape) and black as
the night, with a bright red sideways chevron sorta thing in the
middle. It's got a rock-hard knot in the middle of it. It was about the
size of a silver dollar, now it's more like a softball. It's hard to
sit down without sitting forward. I put the bed out in the van and laid
on my side all the way to Baxter's house. Tracy made homemade stew for
dinner, and it was really tasty even though it had chunks of lamb in
it. Ewe!

I'm a little sore today, and my hips have felt sorta skewed to one side
since yesterday. It seems worse today, but it could be just residual
soreness or something. Regardless, I don't feel completely lined up
just right for some reason. I'm not counting this as an injury, though.
There was no bleeding (at least above the surface) no stitches, no
hospital visit and no loss of consciousness so I'm cool.

We had a great time, and I'll have to reconsider my snobby attitude
towards Hollister (every day is amateur day, too many kids n' kwads,
not enough challenging terrain, a park for folks that can't ride the
"real" stuff, etc) in the future. I want to go down there and ride
Mike's trials bike next time.

Tami-